FEEL TIREd need energy.
bummed. feel like i ate a bit too much last nite.
that pc of brownie, i hershey kiss, 1 truffle. ugh
it is actually better when mel is not around
tonite, i will eat salad with tuna, tues.
wed i will eat with mel
thursday i will make my special soup.
friday i will make my soup.
saturday for sure i will go to gym in queens!
i will go first thing
then to the city this is my plan
sunday same thing!
so concerned about money. i want a colonic!
i want to but mel a cross or perfume oil.
i want to buy mommy chanel # 5
for myself..if only i can get to the gym every mornning i would be so happy! and then i can start dropping weight! fast. i think presently i look good
the best i have looked in months body wise.
i am pooing so much
i feel clean about that
but the gym will help my skin
i really really feel the void of lesssss drama from not binging.
my minor 2 chocolates and a bite of brownie, is no where near the HORTING of food!
the running to the deli.
and then passing out afterwards.
and the next mornning waking up HATING myself and telling myself next time it will be differnt!
then i just lost hope
and was hopeless. now i am much more responsible with myself and my money.
i think too much
but i need to introduce some excitement!
into my life
i want to date.
but i need to drop at least 10 pounds before i can do that
i must weigh..the heighest 167?
i hope for 165.
hey 167 is great.
though
i love my new sweatshirt so much!
i feel pretty in it actually
the jeremy thing tears me up!
and i have alot of what ifs...
i feel sorry for him.
but he was stubborn and did not want to see it thru.
he could not see it thru.
at lease i got help
but what a waste. now he is gone..i am mourning him. i wish i can find one like him.
i have not been close to man in so long or have had an intimate (mentally) conversation with any man for so long
i crave that
i think finding a man should be some what easy
if i feel good about myself.
aka= thin. and working on finding a new job i think i can do this!
also i must do things in my life. like go to movies, go to galleries
god help me
xox

i am hungry today
i just had veggies steamed last nite but it WAS alot
but it is filling
having a coffee now
had a slimfast bar for lunch
may have a fruit later at 3.00
i have alot of work to do
but so far i am doing okay with that
i know i have suprised myself
i wonder how much i weigh?
did i hit a new range of #s?
yet?
i think i have. i must keep going with this food plan
but i must must start a newq exercise regime
something fun
i am lonely today at work
last nite was alot

Current Location: work
Current Music: something brooding

pray i get up and go to the gym tomorrow am
thanks much luve
xo

i can't get up to exercise in the AM
not even in my own home
i think i need to go full blown and just GO to the gym!
i will pack my gym bag tonite and for the luve of god
please help me get there tomorrow am
i wanted to loose 10 before x-mas

Current Location: work
Current Music: cold play

Hi saw my hot dr.
hopefully i will be ten pounds thinner by the next time i see him
but i shouldn't even think like that
i have to start simpler..like stay on my current food plan
and GET to to the gym!
this has been the issue preventing me from loosing
weight
i have this thing to go to tonite which i am suprisingly ambivalent about. no anxiety really
and not that excited i guess i know what i am expecting there
i sort of wonder if there will be any one hot there.
i actually wondered that
new for me
talk to my boss. very relieved about hosp. bill
it will sort out.
so happy it is friday!
made it thru 3 sessions of therapy
and it sounds like i made the "rite" decision about that other group therapy
according to friday dr.
my big goal for this wknd. besides of course NOT binging..is to get to the gym
i think i will start going to the one by my house..so this way i don't have to be so weighed down by the notorious gym bag.
GOD BLESS MY FRIENDS
and have a good wknd!
play nice
xo

Current Location: work
Current Music: kroc

hungry
but its okay i know i will eat a salad in a half hour
very relieved to go to group
i like it better then individual therapy
less focus on me
i hope i get this hosp bill resolved by the end of the week
i can't think too far in advance..thou
30 days out and i am better
i am more stable
but i am not loosing
i feel sort of strong enuff to deal with going to gym and seeing girls that are my age looking better and who i THINK are more successful (career wise) then me
but still..i did not get up this am!
the trick is to get up RITE away and do not hit snooze
god please help me with this goal
i will try and get out of bed tomorrow!
just for tomorrow
hopefully group will give me some confidence to do this

Current Location: work
Current Music: i am not sure

okay THANKSGIving is over and out and no i did not binge.
but i did over eat
my jeans are tight
for me there is a diffrence btw binging by myself holed up on the train or in my apt.
or over eating at a meal
today i got out of bed at 5.30 walked the dog, to exercise. and i went back to sleep after breakfast and walking the dog
i want to get down by xmas to a lower weight.
i believe if i go to the gym for 2 hrs. mon thru friday
and eat slimfast and fruit and coffee, water, green tea
and for dinner have veggies, and a small pc of bread or a salad with protein and a sm pc of bread
i bet i can loose 10-15 pounds
i hope
it will all start with me GETTING TO the gym!!!!
once and for all!
god please help me get out of bed tomorrow to do this!
amen

Tags: gym
Current Location: work
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: smashing pumpkins circa 1990's

ate a sandwhich
so obvious i am nervous to spend time with chris
i clutch on to the food so
buy at least i won't be starving when we hang out
which is better
i will hang with him just 1x
i have to remember how much he drains the life out of me
it is not normal, the dynamic of our relationship
if i eat tonite i will have a fruit
or veggies, cooked.
i can eat agin, wanting a cookie. but i will not let that happen
i am not strong enuff to have one cookie today by myself
all i want for christmas is to loose 10 pounds and to be exercising every mornning, monday thru friday
god help me

Current Location: at work
Current Music: something lame

feel okay
bit hungry
the coffee curbs it quite a bit
i can't believe i am going to a support group tonite
hopefully it will be compelling enuff for me to continue going
i feel like a sick person with going to all this therape
but it will help, so i get more social
i am so afraid of people and i have not been around people in so long
so it is good to talk
i feel like i am re-getting to know myself again
if i stay on the "getting better" path
but i need to do this what i am doing for a long while
hopefully i can start making art again
and eventually get a new position
i need that....
work...
not busy enuff
not interested enuff
i am not good enuff
want to feel whole
want to be pure
what do i want to loose at least 10 pounds by x-mas
god help me stay on my present path

Current Location: work
Current Music: not sure

HI
feel so sad
confused. sort of was crying in the bathroom before
talking to chris brings up issues. he can never be the man i deserve
he actually verbalized compassion for me
he has before..but not recently. no one verbalizes empathy compassion for me. maybe my shrink..but that does not count so much
i am scared b/c my sister works tonite and this gives me an opportunity to binge on ice cream and 1.19 croissants
and i do not want to go there do that. even thou i feel so sad.
if i binge i do not go to the gym in the mornning,
and if i don't go to the gym in the am i feel even worse..
so NO binging tonite.
just play with dog, call chris, go to sleep early? collage, write, pack my gym bag. try and feel peaceful.
try.
i realize i have tried alot of extreme "diets"
food plans in the last year.
master cleanse
juice fast
jenny craig
FAA food plan
none of it normal.
but for the most part the above have been the land marks for the past year
food stuff
i want to DO things with my life!
not just diet
and today i feel fat and not pretty to even go out thurs, fri, sat nite.
just thinking about it makes me anxious.
i pray for the year that is coming. i
1. loose the weight
2. knock off at least half my debt.-very possible- if i stop binging
3. have more people in my life to talk to, go out more, go to events as opposed to being alone or passed out alone.
god if you are there you will help me get the strength to obtain my goals
amen

Tags: pray for me
Current Location: work
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: was pink floyd